Broke and Blocked

So, it's been a while. I should warn you now that this is not a post about food or travel, or even about a book. This is personal. If you really want to, then go ahead and click on "Continue." If you don't, just scroll past and I would completely understand (and I shall see you on my next food post!). :D

Broke

Yes, I am very broke. When I started food-blogging, I didn't understand then that this would be an issue in the immediate future (what a naive, naive girl). But you know recently, I actually started saving up. It's a slow start since I have other responsibilities, money-wise, but I'm getting there. What I'm actually saving up for is...my future. I don't know yet how my blog will be coming in "my future." Eating out to discover great food isn't exactly cheap so, I guess, my posts are going to grow more rare and rare in the future. At least until I'm financially stable. We'll see.

Gosh, I really wish this isn't the case. I mean, I really love writing about food and my travels (even though these "travels" are very occasional and very few in between). I know, I know, you're thinking why can't I write about recent events and columns? It's because I can't. I write to feel good--about the things that I enjoy. I don't want it to be corrupted with "real-world problems" like politics and my own blah opinions about the pork barrel scam or spoiled kids of corrupted pigs. Don't get me wrong, I happen to think that those issues are very very important but, I won't be helping out anybody if I just start writing my asinine opinions about them. I mean, who am I kidding, you guys are already angry enough. Those influential people above who are actively speaking about these issues have already "empowered" you, guys, enough to want to gut out the government. Just because I am (want to be) a writer, doesn't mean I have to join the scuffle, right? 

I want to sit here and write about things that make me happy and, hopefully, will make my readers happy (and hungry). The point is, I can't just write stuff. I can't just log in to blogger and start bashing other countries and other races just so it would drive traffic towards my blog. That's not the kind of writer I aspire to be and most importantly, I'm not a person that would stoop that low. It should be about stuff I enjoy--like food, and travelling. Which of course requires money--which I don't really have a lot of. But I'm trying.

Writer's Block

I believe this is a part of every writer's life. Or at least I hope so, or else this means I'm really not a good writer. :( You know how back in school when your teachers asks you to write an essay about a certain topic. You poised your pen over the paper, ready for action, and then...nothing. You can't think of anything to say. You know the topic but you just cannot find where or how to start. You cannot find the words important enough to kick-off that essay. That's how I feel most of the time these days. This isn't a new feeling for me. I used to write fanfiction (which I am still trying to admit out loud without blushing) and because fanfiction is purely based on imagination, it's even harder for me to keep those literary juices flowing ceaselessly. It's different this time. This time, I write about my own experiences with food and places. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Because it is based on concrete facts and on feelings I can associate with my senses. But now it is hard. Harder than I have ever experienced because these feelings are always associated with memories that are so hard to see past to even write one simple sentence.

This affliction comes with grief from losing a loved one. This affliction comes with being emotionally distant with your father or your mother or with someone very important to you. It comes with debt. It comes with being so emotionally repressed because showing your feelings hurt other people. It comes with an accident. It comes with the pressure to write better and to write more. It comes with the pressure of doing your job better. It comes with jealousy. It comes with everything. You find yourself so distracted. You find it hard to continue. You find it hard to start. You find yourself blocked by circumstances that may be out of your control. This is one of the most frustrating feelings I have to endure in order to get better.

I hope I can say that I have conquered these things I ranted about for the past minute. But I wouldn't be posting about it like this if I did. I am both penniless and encountering some personal issues obstructing my writing. That's the truth. I'm having a hard time processing...what has happened in my life for the past six months. We're only halfway through the year and a lot has already changed and a lot will keep on changing. I'm trying to pick up my bearings.  

I know I'm being weirdly vague and personal but, this post is my way of knowing, of validating, that I can still write--that I can still do what I've always wanted to do; that I can still do what I firmly believe as something I was born to do:

To write.

Up to this point, I want to thank you, my reader, for being so unwaveringly patient. I know I haven't been around the blogsphere lately but I'm trying to get back in the saddle. Maybe in the next few weeks (or months, who knows), we'll see each other, again. Maybe then, I'll have a plate of food to share. ;)